Jansen’s Minneapolis

The McDonalds at 6150 S DIXIE HWY MIAMI, FL 33143-5003.

I ate lunch outside today.

The campus squirrels chased eachother so intensely that they jumped on my table and then scurried across my bench.

They circled my table and then came back around and crashed head-on into my pantleg.

After the chaos calmed down I fed both of them.

I ended up leaving after a sickly (rotting) looking squirrel approached my table and wouldn’t go away. It completely sketched me out because its fur was patchy and part of his jaw was gone.

It wouldn’t shoo…so I left before I got attacked.

The excitement is palpable – I fly to Minneapolis early Friday morning.

Tomorrow is full of little chores: I’m giving one of my refrigerators to a friend, ordering furniture for my room in Minnesota, and chucking some stuff that I’m not bringing up.

And boxes. I’ve had boxes in the staff room for most of the summer. I’m bringing those upstairs since it’s almost time to pack.

Pissy dressing room attendant:

“You should smile. You look so sad.”

Me:

“Funny. I just thought the same thing about you.”

I’m in Miami for one last summer. Guess where I spend most of my time? The law library.

I’m not doing any intense prep for law school.. Although I have read a few law-related books, I’m not frantically outlining horn books or briefing cases for practice. No, I’m not that boy.

I spend most of my time reading novels.

Yes, in the law library.

This may seem bizarre to people not from Miami, but the crystal blue skies and beautiful beaches are only travel brochure fodder.

Do not be fooled. The reality of Miami is heat, humidity, and mosquitoes.

I’m working at my undergrad university (U Miami) this summer. UMiami has an incredibly scenic campus, but I can’t read outside because of the raging hordes of mosquitoes.

I’m not exaggerating. Raging hordes. Seriously. These are Genghis Khan-level mosquitoes – I have to reapply the bug spray every 20 minutes to prevent severe blood loss. And those mild bug sprays don’t work. I have to buy OFF! Deep Woods, which smells faintly of rot.

One of my coworkers was bit so badly yesterday that she resembled a smallpox victim.

And reading at the beach? No go. Miami Beach is miserably crowded with tourists, joggers, winos, coke dealers, and etc. It’s also expensive. The parking garages charge $15 if you are over 4 hours. Gas on the beach? $4.41 for regular. No, mam.

I generally go to Virginia Key, which is an island/nature reserve off the coast of downtown Miami. Virginia Key is only a $1.50 toll and $3 entrance fee the park/beach.

The problem with Virginia Key is that it’s a nature reserve so you have to deal with, well, nature. Which includes hordes of mosquitoes from the mangrove swamp.

The mangrove swamp in question…

There are also looming predatory birds (including vultures) and the occasional dead shark,

For those who thought I was kidding…

Oh, and the locals (fishermen + bratty children). So, for summer reading the beach is out.

This is why my summer reading ritual consists of a stop at Starbucks and the law library.

And the Miami law library is a bit intense.

Books, tabs, highlighters, and a freakly, strained quiet that makes me nervous to blink.

Coughing? Out of the question. I’ll choke it down until I can creep off to the bathroom or stairwell to hack.

The worst part isn’t the quiet but the faces of the law students. The expressions are variations of miserable, angry, or sickly.

Yesterday, the ‘angry’ variety was dominant.

A couple left their belongings unattended on a table. The table was part of cluster surrounded by study carrels. They left their laptops, books, papers, everything.

There were a lot of people around, so theft seemed unlikely, but these people were gone for a while.

And then it happened: a cellphone buried somewhere in the pile of crap on that table went off.

Annoying ringtone.
Full blast.
EVVVVVVERRY BODY IN THE CLUB GETTING TIPSY!

Tension, gasps, and it rings again, EVVVVVVERRY BODY IN THE CLUB GETTING TIPSY!

And then there was that moment typically only seen on National Geographic; You know, the moment when the zebras realize something is amiss… the scamper of a predator, a cracked twig, a dart, something, and then all the zebras freeze in a collective wide-eyed “oh shit” moment before deciding what to do.

Well, about half of us had the “oh shit” zebra stare down. The phone kept going off.
EVVVVVVERRY BODY IN THE CLUB GETTING TIPSY! EVVVVVVERRY BODY…

Then the Jackals came out.

Heads popped of the study carrels. People shot hateful glares at the unattended table. The phone wasn’t visible because it was somewhere under the papers and books, but it rang, and rang, …and then finally stopped.

But of course the person called back.
EVVVVVVERRY BODY, EVVVVVVERRY BODY, EVVVVVVERRY BODY IN THE CLUB GETTING TIPSY!

The Jackals slammed their books, sucked their teeth, and walked single file to the bathroom. Some muttered dark threats under their breath. One guy just twitched and said “Fuck! Shit! Fuck!”

The phone stopped and the happy couple returned. Guy and girl. With Subway bags. They seemed glad that their stuff hadn’t been swiped. There were so many people around. It’s safe. Go on, take as many half-hour subway breaks as you want…The no food policy in the library? Whatever. It’s about as important as that whole silence your cellphone jig…

The hilarity ensued when the 5-6 jackals returned to the study area and shot hateful, hateful looks at the couple. The couple probably thought it was because they were eating.

No, not probably – definitely, because they exchanged a look and then LEFT AGAIN with their food, supposedly to eat it outside.

And yes, they forgot their phone…because 5 minutes later… EVVVVVVERRY BODY, EVVVVVVERRY BODY…

I left after that because I was pretty sure the twitcher was going to cut someone.

20,000 mosquitoes would be less stressful than these law students.

1. I Feel Love - Hott 22
2. RemmiDemmi – Deichkind
3. Love Has Gone – Dave Armstrong ft. H Boogie
4. Billie Jean (Dany Wild Remix) – Soundbluntz
5. Bitch U’ll Gag - by Jay Karan
6. Mercy – RJD2
7. Heavy Weather – Tim Deluxe
8. Ist noch Jemand Da? – Unknown
9. Give it 2 Me (Paul Oakenfold Remix) – Madonna
10. Take Off – Antoine Clamaran
11. Geht’s Noch – Roman Fugel
12. Timing, forget the Timing – Black Devil
13. Lovestoned (Justice Remix) – Justin Timberlake
14. It’s True – Salem Al Fakir
15. In Da Ghetto (Dj Jaff Remix) – Crystal Waters
16. Dance 2 – Antoine Clamaran
17. Great DJ (Calvin Harris Remix) – The Ting Tings
18. Lights & Music (Boyz Noize Remix) – Cut Copy
19. Capital G (Switch Remix) – Nine Inch Nails
20. The girl you lost to Cocaine (Stonebridge Remix) – Sia
21. Something Good 2008 – Utah Saints
22. Winning Women – Nicole Scherzinger ft. Rihanna
23. Blink – John Dahlback
24. Atomism – White Light Riot
25. Hit my Heart – Benny Benassi
26. Love is Gone – David Guetta
27. Before I let you in – Hott 22
28. Let’s Get Together – Antoine Clamaran
29. Alive – Mondotek
30. The Reward is Cheese – Deadmau5 ft. Jelo

• Saw the movie Mongol, which is about Genghis Khan. It was pretty much a big deal.
• Raided Urban Outfitters and bought some shirts – one with a huge screen print of Mary and baby Jesus, another with a huge screen print of a Cathedral, and a vintage Batman T.
• Also saw Batman the movie with Carmen… it was long. Good, but loooong. See Daniel’s review here.
• Bought the new Peru Altomayo. Which yes. Simply yes. It’s …well, yes.
• Finished Don DeLillo’s Cosmopolis and The Body Artist… the last book of the summer is going to be Underworld (800 pages!). I finished White Noise and his most recent book, Falling Man, at the beginning of the summer. Any guesses who one of my favorite authors is? Hm.
• Received my orientation info for school and excitement ensued. I know when Finals are y’all! I just need to figure out if my room at Gamma is furnished… hm.
• While attempting to get colored contacts for purely cosmetic purposes, I found out that I was actually nearsighted and got glasses instead…then, shockingly, a few days later I ordered colored contacts anyway. Hah.
• Finally made it to the beach, and saw Jaw’s smaller, deader cousin.
• The poor soccer camp girls (they are like 7) who came to the front desk and asked if we had any “good smelling spray.” We asked why, and they said, “OUR FLOOR SMELLS LIKE FISH!” They insisted that their sweaty unwashed socks caused this fish odor. We…couldn’t…keep…straight….faces.

• Oh, and then 30something and his equally intoxicated friend slow danced, but both being completely gone, they hit the floor with a dramatic side-ways THUD. They didn’t brace themselves or anything. They just leaned sideways and went WHAMP on the ground.
• About one week left in Miami! Vöt!

Mann und Frau kaufen rollende Schuhe um zusammen zu rollen. Sie rollen und können nicht halten und stürzen und versinken im heißen Asphalt.

Und der Hans von der harten Musik kommt vorbei, und auf ihm lastet es schwer. Er sieht den Dingen ins Auge. Er hat den Augapfel gepierct.

Und ein Schwarm auserirdischer Kinder in großen Hosen fällt er über die Stadt. Und sie überspringen alle Mäuerchen und ich glaub so werden, so werden Skateboards gezeugt. Halleluja, das ist der Sommer im Asphalt sitzen und versinken…Skateboards zeugen, Augäpfel piercen, Halleluja das ist der Sommer.

Peter Licht Rockt.

From the original 2006 post.

Translation of the song + youtube of it after the cut.
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